Reflections on a Random Tuesday

I've heard a lot about the "good ole days of blogging" lately. Most of the people I know from this funny little online activity are from a period when blogging was quite different than it is today. Blame the prevalence of social media (twitter, Facebook, tumblr, and so on) or blame the fact that life changes I sure had a lot more time to write about nothing when I was 17 than now, when I'm 30.

I've been thinking about how my life online is quite different than it was a decade ago. While most of what I share happens on Facebook and Instagram, it's admittedly much less information that I used to blog about. Blogging was, for many, a deeply personal look into another's life. It used to be a way to form these deep connections with like-souled people without ever "meeting" them face-to-face. Through this weird phenomenon of blogging I have some wonderfully dear friends that I have only meet a few times in my life. Without being involved in the friend circles blogging created, I would not have met Vahid, and that worked out pretty well in the end.

While blogging is not what it used to be, I will always be thankful for falling into this crazy time on what was the tail end of what I consider the "hey day" of personal blogging. Now, most of the blogs I loved so much have been shut down by their owners, transitioned into "lifestyle blogs", or, like me, they simply stopped writing, while their sites remained, a quiet tomb of a life shared online. While blogs slowly died or changed, those who avidly read and commented slowly disappeared as well. People who used to take time to read and comment with their own stores of relevance no longer did that, myself included. We still read but ran out of time to comment, then we ran out of time to read everything, then we stopped finding time to read anything altogether. Our attention dwindled to bite-sized snippets on Facebook or Twitter between work, families, and life.

I've kept this blog here even when I stopped writing. Updating this became less important as I moved onto other things in my life: graduating college, getting engaged, married, finding a job that didn't make me hate life. I always meant to come back, to "get back in the rhythm of it," to find the group again. Although that group is gone, migrating onto other parts of life. I am still here, tentatively sticking my toes into the same water, feeling the nostalgic warmth of it all. I miss writing, writing about my life to reflect back on, writing for the sake of writing and the continuous learning that comes with a writing practice, sharing photographs I took the time to shoot & edit. I realized that when I stopped writing, I stopped doing many of the things I found personal joy in. Coming back to any of those things–photography, writing, painting–has me fumbling to find the path that I had worn so well previously.

Am I jumping back in, blogging forever? I don't know. I never intend to stop, I just…do. Eventually I find it harder to sit and write or paint. Then I find it easier to find excuses than time to sit. Then I find it hard to remember the last time I actually sat. So I'm here, for the moment at least. Maybe I'll see you here and we will wave to each other, remembering how good it feels to be back at the same shore, with the same water washing over our toes.

Here’s What I Know

Here’s what I know:

  • The sun has finally come out after approximately 2.89 billion years
  • My apartment is very loud with all the windows open
  • Mosley, the cat, is truly the angriest animal I have ever known
  • It’s still too cold and wet to properly grow strawberries
  • I love writing poetry
  • I am terrible at writing poetry
  • Maybe I’m not done with this writing on the internet thing after all

So, hello, it’s me. How are you, you big beautiful internet, you?

Shot of Joy 14

Prettiest tart at the market and the perfect thing after a rushed lap session. (Or so I am telling myself today.)
– strawberries showing up at the market – the slowly warming weather – spending Saturday swimming laps then perusing the market at PSU – the lap pool at PSU Rec Center – learning to swim correctly – prescription goggles – actually seeing in the pool –
Loving my new gym bag. All packed and ready for the am. Now hopefully the Rec Center pool won't have an unexpected closure.
– starting up my yoga practice again – working out before work, even when that means getting up before 6am – mostly having a flexible schedule to allow me to do things like attend a yoga class – lemongrass tea –
Stamps for invitations? ??
– my new essential oil diffuser – filling my place with calming and relaxing essential oil mixes – not making a bunch of weekend plans to recharge – my car, it’s perfect for our needs – not having a bunch of stress from wedding planning – feeling better overall, even with a recent anxiety episode – the sun that’s outside right now –

Sunny Day in May

Moody Sea
May is always one of my favorite months. In California the weather was warm again, everything was blooming, and when I was younger it meant that school was almost over for the year. Now that I live in the Pacific Northwest that isn’t always the case. It’s warm and then it’s not, the sky is grey and rainy and you are left wondering why you didn’t wear socks with your shoes. But it’s nice today, the sky is mostly blue, the sun is out, and I’m in a really good place.

I’ve been at this new job for a few months now. I’m still learning things but I feel like I mostly have the day-to-day minutiae of my job down. This summer is a first for business travel and that’s an interesting position to be in. I’ve slowly been accumulating small things to keep that are specifically for travel so I can cut down on the unpack/repack for the few busy months ahead.

I have a handful of half-started ideas I thought I would end up fleshing out sooner. Blog posts, writing ideas, other assorted creative starts are sprinkled everywhere I look. I meant to come here sooner, I always do, but it’s been hard lately.

February ended in a big upheaval, starting a new job, dealing with a car accident, getting a new car, and jumping into everything. I’ve had some other difficult decisions to make and have been processing the result of those decisions for a while now. This all coincided with one of the worst anxiety episodes I’ve had in years. I spent all of April constantly feeling anxious. I couldn’t catch my breath and I felt like I was trying to navigate my life behind warped glass. Everything felt distorted. I feel like I’m finally finding my way out of this anxiety bubble. Things aren’t feeling so impossible anymore. So I’m here because at the moment writing this doesn’t feel just so hard.

I went to San Diego for work at the end of April. Spent my six year anniversary on the beach with my feet in the water and even though I ended up bright red, it’s one of my favorite anniversaries to date. I’m still working through my pictures of San Diego, I just simply haven’t had the desire to upload them and do some editing. But I’m slowly itching to start doing things like that again. With the bursts of nice weather I think about going out adventuring with my camera, which makes me happy.

I’ve started swimming laps this month as well. I have prescription goggles which are amazing inventions and I can’t tell you how good it is to see in the water, really see, not just seeing blurs and not knowing if it was a person or a marking on the side of the wall. Vahid is teaching me to freestyle swim and it’s difficult. Or rather coordinating myself is difficult, but I’m learning. I’ve never been a great swimmer. I would drown in the water but I was only ever a master of a hybrid doggy paddle and underwater swim that barely kept me afloat. I’m managing about 300 meters a session and slowly building up from there.

May always ends up being a big month of change for me. It could be the first signs of spring bring an unconscious want to change. It could be because it’s my birthday month and as such I find myself naturally reflecting back on the previous year and looking forward to the new one. Perhaps it’s nothing to do with anything and it simply takes me five months to start a change. No matter what it feels good to move again, to be hopeful again, and to know that I’m exactly where I should be in this moment.

Shot of Joy 13

Winter hiking!

-having a lot of energy in the mornings – walking to work, even in the rain – the crispness of the air after a rain – the bright sunny days – the weather in general has been quite nice – savoring a warm drink on a chilly morning –

-ginger – visiting the Japanese Gardens for free thanks to my Lan Su Membership – getting my library card – using the library app to read several e-books – all the comics I’ve been reading lately – the Birds of Prey series – Friday morning reading dates –

Spent the afternoon reading and drinking a chai with hemp milk. Nice way to spend a Friday.

-really focusing on my health – learning how certain foods affect me – still going strong on vastly limiting the amount of sugar I’m eating – not feeling tempted by all the treats at work anymore – keeping up with consistent workouts – feeling stronger –

-feeling really positive about some things that are happening, even if it means I’m in a difficult situation now – feeling like the universe is pointing me a really great direction –

Had a rough day today so I bought myself a little treat. #treatyoself #notcake

What things are giving you joy right now? How’s your week been going?