The internet is a fickle place. About 5-ish years ago I met my first “friends” from blogging. We kept in touch and grew close. Then we faded away as they quit blogging and our lives took us in different directions. Most of us stayed in touch for the most part, there for the important parts of life.
I changed from the annoying teenager into an adult and along the way my writing changed. I no longer shared every thought, secret, and idea with the internet. My relationship with Vahid played a part in all this. I blogged here and there and became more about my life rather than my fears or personal details. I blogged trips and adventures, little things, more superficial than they used to be.
That’s when I started to see the change in my “friends.” Some were happy for me, others were angry or convinced I was making wrong choices for my life. The first year with Vahid was a whirlwind of amazing times and being very hurt by people I knew.
People I thought I knew and people I didn’t judged me. Some were bold enough to tell Vahid that he was making a mistake. I was a mistake.
It’s been years and in those years I’ve made and lost numerous friends, some online and some not. I keep myself guarded a lot more than I used to, although I am still too open, too easily hurt.
I get jealous of people’s seemingly easy friendships. See their pictures and wonder why I can’t have friends like that. But then I think I’m glad I don’t, too many times that’s been pulled out from under me.
It’s forced me to give up on so much childish thoughts. We aren’t friends. I no longer think people I’ve met once are friends of mine. I think that was the hardest change to make. I was always the loner kid, too awkward or loud to make many friends. Then when people started knowing who I was, I felt some kind of belonging. After all the internet is just a bigger version of high school, even wants to belong.
I was thinking about all this today and how I think, for the first time since I started blogging I am comfortable in my own skin. I’m okay with my mistakes, ignorance, and going a month without posting. I’m okay that I am not friends with most of the people I was friends with when this started. I’m okay with the fact that I will never be a part of a “blog circle” again. I don’t want to be.
Sometimes I have a sting of jealousy that friendship isn’t an easy thing for me. But if it was easy, I wouldn’t have the friends I do today. I’ve learned to life a life outside of my bubble. When I was 19, everything was blogging or twittering or flickring. Every thought went somewhere for someone to read. I craved that acceptance.
I’m happy where life took me. I’m happy making memories and knowing it’s okay if I don’t write about what I did that day. I’m happy not worry about posts with zero comments or making sure I comment on the “right” people’s blogs (you know to maintain that “friendship.”)
I suppose I’ve been feeling nostalgic for everything. I’ve been meaning to email an old friend back and now she’s changed her number and I had a thought that we might not be friends a year from now. Life drags us away and hometown friends don’t always stay friends forever. This got me thinking about other friends I’ve had and then that led to this blog post that is entirely too long now.
Now? I’m just me, trying to juggle my own dreams and ambitions with the person I love and his dreams. Sometimes I share that, but mostly it’s just mine.
Sometimes words can say so much, but mostly they just say nothing at all. Words are alluringly malleable and can be shaped into wondrously beautiful beings.
But Vahid IS making a mistake… he should be with MEEEEEEEE!
In all seriousness, I think the “Problem with Friendship” is this way in the blog world because it’s this way in Real Life. It all comes down to the fact that there are no “easy friendships”… not really. Yes, some are easier than others, but human nature always gets in the way at some point. There’s always going to be jealousy, envy, differences of opinion, and legions of other bumps in the road. Even with the best of friends. It’s just that some friends are worth putting in the effort to see past that and others aren’t. Never stop trying to find the friends that are worth it… they pop up in the most surprising places…
Dave2´s last [type] ..Bullet Sunday 288
There aren’t any easy friendships. I found that out here pretty quickly, blog or no blog. I’m glad you and Vahid are friends, even if you two may run off together. Good friends are found in rather surprising places.
For me, I miss what blogging used to be… Now? With the exception of a few blogs, blogs just don’t hold the magic they once did. Anywho, I’m glad we met through blogging and have remained friends all these years
I am glad we are friends too! I do miss your blog, but I get why you stopped. Now people just want to make money or write blogs that are essentially copies of other people’s blogs. It’s not about personal stories anymore, it’s sad. It also means there are no personal connections anymore.
I like that you’re just you. That’s all I ever asked for, really.
Well that’s good because that’s all you’ll ever get.
I’m still so happy that you shared that hotel room with us in FL!
My issues with blogging is that it became very apparent to me how many people were so fake once I met them in real life. There are only a handful of people that I still talk/email with from that time. And I say “email” loosely, because I’m horrible at it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I owe you a catch up one
I’m glad that you’re at a place where you’re happy with yourself. You deserve that.
I have a new goal, to get Tay to the PacNW before she goes to college next fall! She needs to meet you. And I’m pretty sure that Vahid owes me a beer for something
Me too! Best decision of that year!
That is exactly my issue with blogging and why I went so long between posts for a long time. People are just fake and not at all genuine.
This plan needs to happen! Best plan ever!
My mom told me a stat the other day for my state that 20% less teens bother to get their driver’s licenses anymore. They don’t really hang out, it’s all FB, twitter, and such. Odd times.
What I miss from my early blogging days are the writers whose stories inspired me to write more. So many have hung it up entirely or essentially.
claire´s last [type] ..This Is How
Wow, that is so odd. I couldn’t wait to get my license, I did but I didn’t want to.
Yeah, it’s just not the same as it used to be. Half the people I follow have become solely for the money or just don’t blog anymore. It’s sad because they aren’t relatable or worth the read anymore.
Whoa. It’s like you’re in my head with me. I’ve been feeling the same way… and then I just stopped worrying about it. Sometimes it does still bother me that I only have a handful of friends and that those who I thought were lifelong friends seem to be drifting away, but for the most part I’m comfortable with having only a few close friends.
There are a lot of people online whom I do still consider friends — because anyone whom you get to know and spend a lot of time talking to is a friend, in my opinion — but now I get that we’re thousands of miles apart, have our own lives, and are on our own journeys.
Liz´s last [type] ..Improve Your Writing with Acting
I feel the same way about online friends. We are on our own paths. Sometimes all these feelings just bubble up, even though I am fine with the friends I have.