I’ve been contemplating what I want from this new year since the beginning of December. I had just finished my last final on the 5th and since then the same thought ran through my head, “now what?”
Now what? I spent my days sleeping in too late and staying up too late. I left my healthy habits in favor of the sweet treats the holidays always bring. Now I feel contended, eager, determined. This is my year.
Last year was a good year by most accounts. I was able to leave a job I was unhappy in. I finished my degree. I visited lots of family and friends. I was able to go back to California for the weekend. I went camping along the beach. I had a mostly happy year with Vahid. We weren’t able to move to another place, not yet. But overall 2012 was a good year.
I wasn’t focused in what I wanted. I wanted to lose weight but would sabotage myself every time I made real progress. I wanted to figure out my plan for grad school but other than look at some schools I never got myself together to apply anywhere. We traveled more this year but only within Oregon as my school schedule allowed.
This year I am focused. This year I want to have focus.
- This is the year I stop sabotaging myself. This is the year I celebrate my progress and continue it rather than stop. I would be at my goal by now if I didn’t allow myself to give up.
- This is the year to be uncomfortable with myself. I never applied to grad school because it’s hard and scary. I didn’t lose all the weight I wanted too because eating cake is easier than working out and having a salad. I didn’t write because it’s easier to watch TV. This is the year I live in that space of uncomfortableness. That space means I’m changing, hopefully into who I want to be.
- This is the year I get strong. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I work out with kettlebells and I am already so much stronger than before but I am still not as strong as I know I can be. Vahid told me the other day that I hold onto a lot of negative feelings. In wanting to be happier in life I need to learn to let go and forgive, others and myself. I think this will be the hardest things on this list. I’m not religious but I want to learn to meditate and start this year. It’ll help to be present.
Little things I want to accomplish:
- I want to read two books a month. It will be wonderful to get to choose the books I want to read rather than have to read another psychology textbook.
- I want to travel out of state. Just one trip maybe to the east coast or New York. I think we can save up for that.
- I want to get a job that I enjoy. It doesn’t have to be world changing, but I would be really happy if I enjoyed going to work.
I went hiking this afternoon and came home and made dinner. I set the oven on fire. But despite the apartment full of smoke I feel hopeful. This next year will be amazing and I can’t wait to enjoy it all.