Sad
Vahid and I have a routine, every night we’d settle in after dinner (and homemade ice cream! No I am never going to get over how awesome it keeps turning out.) and plug in my computer to the TV and watch some hulu or netflix before calling it a night. It’s a nice routine and it’s one that I like.
Except for the past few nights I’ve been feeling sad. We’d assume our positions on the couch, root beer floats in hand (I’m starting to see why I’ve gained so much weight…) and I’d just feel down. This usually results in me crying causing Vahid to panic over nothing.
I’m doing horrible in my math class and I’ve realized I don’t like school anymore. I used to. I used to love to go to class and see what we would be doing in lab. But I am tired of Biology and how difficult it is. I’ve talked it over with Vahid and I’m pretty sure I’m changing my major, but I’m digressing from what I meant to talk about.
Vahid always said that his one worry when I moved here is that I wouldn’t make any friends and come to hate him for it later. I always told him that I have friends, even when I lived in California my friends lived in other states, except for Jenai. I always told him not to worry about it because I didn’t need a lot of friends to make me happy. (There was other sappy words involved but I’ll spare you those.) But I didn’t realize that there would some days where it was hard to not have one friend to myself.
It makes me frustrated when I get in moods like this. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to make friends here because I’m not an easy person to befriend. That’s why I only ever had a handful of friends growing up. I’m cold until you really get to know me, I’m aloof when I talk to you and if I don’t watch myself I find that it’s pretty easy for me to act superior and talk down to you. I’m not an easy friend to make (although I am a good friend to have) and I had no crazy notion that I’d move up here and suddenly find myself with too many friends and too little time. I’m not crazy.
My Math class is almost too much for me (I was never good with probability and now that my entire quarter is nothing BUT probability I’m a little overwhelmed.) and that’s just giving me a negative outlook on life that spawned this woe-as-me post.
Even as I write this I know that I don’t have any room to complain. My life is awesome. I live with a wonderful boyfriend who has cooked me great meals two nights in a row because I hurt my back. I live in a wonderful city that has some of the best tamales ever. Vahid’s friends get me drunk. I have it awesome.
I’m just ready for this bad mood to blow over so I can get back to it.
You need mojo. I do too.
About the changing majors thing, I did it twice. The third time I did it I was absolutely sure, because it only got harder after I did it. Just be sure it’s something you absolutely want.
And about the friend thing – everyone who meets me at first (for the most part) thinks I am a snobby bitch because of my personality. The ones who stay are the ones I love to death because they take the time to know me and that I am NOT snobby or bitchy!!
Well, not really.
But my point is people who are cool and are like you will naturally gravitate towards you…..regardless of how you “are.” You only need a small group of awesome people anyway….managing a huge group of friends is very tiring.
Robin´s last blog ..Oh shit…no title!
I’m sorry that you’re sad – like Robin said, make sure changing majors is what you really want.
Portland girls are way overrated. I hear the coolest people in the world live in a little suburb just outside of Chicago.
Chin up and be you….it’s like that movie Field of Dreams….if you build it, they will come except, “If you be yourself, they will come.” (Insert dirty inappropriate joke about Vahid here)
Most people don’t like me til they really get to know me either. I put off “leave me the heck alone” vibes and walk with my head down. Luckily, like you, I have friends all over the country now. And I don’t even have to put on makeup to hang out with them because they can’t see me! InternetFTMFW!!
Sheila´s last blog ..She Has Such a Purdy Face
I just shared this on Google Reader with the attached long-ass note:
Although Dawg and I are not Sarah and Vahid, we have this same type of experience. I will just become Sad, with no words to describe, and it freaks Dawg out. I think leaving an entire life behind is overwhelming and there’s nothing to be done about it except build a new life. That takes TIME. You can’t expect to have a full life in the first year you move somewhere else after having had a complete life over decades somewhere else.
Poppy´s last blog ..Hi, I’m Poppy. I’m the owner and curator.
In essense: I feel your pain, woman.
And, I hate school now too after loving it for a long time, if that makes you feel any better.
Poppy´s last blog ..Hi, I’m Poppy. I’m the owner and curator.
I would want a friend all to myself, too. For a while, a friend and I weren’t talking, so the only friends I had were Mike, Mike’s siblings, Mike’s friends, and a couple of sometimes friends of my own. It’s rough when you don’t have someone close — outside of your boyfriend — around that you can talk to.
You will make friends, though. It takes me a long time to make friends, too, but I’ve been making a few lately. You will, too!
Elizabeth Kaylene´s last blog ..Vacation is on again!
Can’t you just make Vahid put on a dress and go shopping with you?!
I am trying to be funny. Sorry!
You mostly just need some time to let things settle. Just time.
I’m so glad Vahid is there for you, though.
Now put him in a dress. And post pictures.
Haha
Sybil Law´s last blog ..Seriously.
I’m old, so I have a different kind of advice about switching majors: do it. Don’t “make sure” or “think hard before you do” or whatever, just do it. And then if you don’t like your new one, do it again. And then again. No one knows exactly what they want to do for 45 years when they’re in their 20′s. (Or 30′s, btw, but I don’t want to totally overwhelm you.) The whole thing is a learning experience. It sounds like you’re learning what you don’t like. That’s incredibly valuable, and your paying attention to it. Smart girl.
About the friend thing, I have tons of empathy for you. I’ve only moved twice in my life and both times I wasn’t able to establish a good group of friends in my new location. I did ok, (meetup.com groups helped, actually), but I think it’s a really tough thing to do. And I think you’re being really hard on yourself because I’ve only met you once and I didn’t experience you to be any of those things you listed. At all. But if you are cold, aloof and superior with new people? Dude, stop it. What do you expect?
Last part of the lecture: you do have room to complain. Yes, there are people starving in Africa. (And in the US.) But that doesn’t help get the real feelings out, and an important part of becoming you in a new place is going to be dealing with your real feelings. Moving is so damn hard. Complain about it. A lot. It takes a lo-o-ong time to settle in. Maybe all the feelings you’re having right now, expressing them and processing through them, will bring you closer to your goal than you think.
My impression of you is that you are a sharp, fun, friendly, creative, determined person. I think you’re going to make it. You’re in the process of making it. Unfortunately, the recipe contains some tears. Vahid can panic. He’ll be ok. But keep working to figure it out. You’re on your way.
LongStoryLonger´s last blog ..Plus Salt
Can I just say ditto to what LSL said? Cuz she’s a sharp one, that woman.
Moving, moving in with a mate (no matter how awesome they are!), going to school, working…it’s all an adjustment and it’s ok to feel your feelings. You won’t always feel sad unless you don’t let yourself feel through the feelings.
Hang in there!
sizzle´s last blog ..Face Value
Robin: I know I’ll be okay. I know that I’ll make friends eventually and everything. I guess i just needed to get this out so I can no dwell on it so much anymore.
And as for the majors thing. This is my fourth major switch. Ha.
Sheila: Put on makeup? Hell I’m responding to you in my undies, that’s how comfy I am talking to you. (I don’t know where I was going with this joke. Just pretend it was funny.)
Poppy: Thanks Poppy
I know it takes time. I guess it’s more I’m not used to just feeling sad like that, ya know? Being that it’s my first big move I guess I didn’t expect all of these emotions to come flying at me like that. But I’ll get sad, then get over it, and eventually I’ll be back to my old self. All in good time. And I suppose part of it is is that I’m not used to just being all “I’m sad.” since I like to just focus on the good things that make me happy.
Elizabeth Kaylene: I know I’ll make friends. It’s just been so long since the last time I had too that I feel like I’ve forgotten how! Ha ha.
Sybil Law: But there are already pictures of Vahid in a dress on the internet.
Now what am I going to do?
LSL: I’ve already switched my major. It’s something I’ve gotten used to as this will be the fourth (or fifth, I’ve lost count) time I’ve done it. Biology was just the one I had the longest. It was my record major. For what that’s worth.
I don’t know that I necessarily act that way on purpose, part of it is that is how people describe me after meeting me and becoming friends. That whole, “when I first met you I thought you were kind of a bitch” thing. I try not to be, but being shy makes me just be very quite and people tend to think I’m not interested in them. And the whole talking down to people is something I sometimes do when I explain things to people, it’s a nasty habit I picked up from my old boss that I’m working really hard to losing. Sometimes I just hear it in my voice and I have to stop and apologize and start over.
I suppose you’re right that I do have room to complain. I guess I just don’t like it on myself very much.
But that was some awesome advice you gave me and I’ll definitely take it to heart.
Sizzle: You are right. I’ve been feeling this way for a while and doing my best to ignore it in hopes that it’ll go away and when it didn’t I figure I should write about it, log it, and move on to whatever is next.
And it just so happens that what came next is dinner. Or it will be if I ever make it.
Sarah´s last blog ..Cocaine!
I think making friends can be really hard, no matter what the situation. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and if you ever want a friend to catch a movie with, or just walk around our beautiful city with, don’t be a stranger. I love both movies and walking, and I’d love to get to know you better, too!
Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Weekend Update, Sunny Seattle Edition
Aww, Sarah!
My heart really went out to you reading through this. I totally understand what it’s like to move to a new city and have to start over in so many ways.
I doubt I can say much of anything else that someone else hasn’t already said, except more brilliant, but let me add this:
You’re in an adjustment period right now. Cut yourself some slack and just know that everything really will work out! You’ve only been there a few months and… even in your bad mood… you can still see all the positive, so that’s good.
I’m sure being hurt doesn’t help either.
A new major is going to be awesome and exciting! Your whole world is open for you to do whatever you want, have whatever you want, and go wherever you want. You already went where you wanted to… everything else will fall into place.
Also? In my own opinion, having Jenai move to Portland is CLEARLY the best solution.
But if that doesn’t work out, at least you know this isn’t going to be a permanent problem.
Hang in there!
PS: LOVE your “things I love” posts. Sorry I’m a slacker on commenting. I really do still read! =)
Amber´s last blog ..Our Denver Trip + Pics!
Kerri Anne: Thanks for the offer! I will probably take you up on when I can a) walk upright again and b)sit without wincing. Gotta love pulling your lower back out of whack! (I’m hoping that this heating pad will cure me for tomorrow, I’d hate to miss the farmer’s market.)
Amber: That’s okay, don’t worry about not commenting. I know I’m still adjusting and it’ll get easier/better with time. It’s just frustrating to me.
Oh well, I’m sure I’ll look back at this post later and be like, “you were such a drama queen!” Ha ha.
I didn’t decide what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was 30. I went through 3 major career changes. In fact, I had my plan to get my MSN and become an APNP, but I’m rethinking that whole scenario.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that change is hard. And scary. And it sucks when you don’t have a person (other than the boyfriend) close by to talk to about it.
You’ll know when you’ve made the right decision, because you will feel it. I can’t explain that, but it will happen. Until then, I’m right here if you need me
Becky´s last blog ..Dusting Off
Aw, Sarah. I remember when we moved here nine years ago and I had no friends – I cried too.
Take Kerri up on her offer (She’s rad, as you know) and have some quality girl time.
Chin up, sweetie.
Becky: I know. Part of me still wants to be in school and part of me just wants to be DONE. So that’s where part of the struggle is coming from.
I know you’ll be there when I need you! Just like I’m always here when taylor needs boy help. (It’s kind of fun to give her advice, even if she doesn’t take it.)
Angella: Thanks. I will take her up on her offer as soon as I’m not broken.