I will be the first to make a joke about my weight. “Oh yeah, I’m such a fatty.” “I’d rather be fat and happy than skinny and hungry” “Good thing yoga pants stretch.” I will be the first to joke about it because it never leaves my mind. My thoughts are constantly on it, but not on the right parts.
I am never thinking about what I eat, how much I exercise. If what I’m doing is healthy. I look at all the shorts I can’t wear because my legs are too fat. I look at the shirts I feel uncomfortable in because I’m too big to wear them anymore. At the same time I will always be the first to grab something sweet. Vahid and I have gotten in many fights about my love all things sugary.
I’ve had successes. I lost twenty pounds. But they never stick. As soon as I make a good deal of progress, I self sabotage and go back to my old ways. My old ways don’t work. I gained all the weight back. Lost ten pounds. Gained it (almost) all back. Now it’s the third try.
This has to be the last because what I’m doing is not healthy. I am too young to feel this old. Also it would benefit because I would not be lectured at so much by my Mother. Also Mom: yes, we have coconut oil, yes we use it.
After a week of talking and decision making Vahid and I have agreed on changes. My diet needs to change drastically. I’ve been working on that. The only thing that seemed to work for me was the slow carb diet so we are going back on that because I do not heed portion control well. It’s idiot proof as long as I don’t go out of my way to buy something like a piece a cake or cookies or bread.
It’s also a goal of mine to run a 5k, then a 10k, then who knows. But we are starting with the 5k because I have this bad habit of setting unrealistic dreams and then abandoning them when they don’t happen immediately.
I downloaded a couch to 5k program, Nike+ and a playlist I created at jog.fm. Then a little after 11pm I went on my first ever run. It was slow and painful and people stared. (Side note: I was not expecting so many people just out so late. It was weird.) But it’s a start.
I’ve written about this before, but hopefully I won’t have to write this again. I need to make the changes stick. I am unhappy with myself for gaining all this weight. Instead of sulking and playing the blame game I need to be an adult and do something about it.
In the end it will be cheaper than buying new pants.