May is always one of my favorite months. In California the weather was warm again, everything was blooming, and when I was younger it meant that school was almost over for the year. Now that I live in the Pacific Northwest that isn’t always the case. It’s warm and then it’s not, the sky is grey and rainy and you are left wondering why you didn’t wear socks with your shoes. But it’s nice today, the sky is mostly blue, the sun is out, and I’m in a really good place.
I’ve been at this new job for a few months now. I’m still learning things but I feel like I mostly have the day-to-day minutiae of my job down. This summer is a first for business travel and that’s an interesting position to be in. I’ve slowly been accumulating small things to keep that are specifically for travel so I can cut down on the unpack/repack for the few busy months ahead.
I have a handful of half-started ideas I thought I would end up fleshing out sooner. Blog posts, writing ideas, other assorted creative starts are sprinkled everywhere I look. I meant to come here sooner, I always do, but it’s been hard lately.
February ended in a big upheaval, starting a new job, dealing with a car accident, getting a new car, and jumping into everything. I’ve had some other difficult decisions to make and have been processing the result of those decisions for a while now. This all coincided with one of the worst anxiety episodes I’ve had in years. I spent all of April constantly feeling anxious. I couldn’t catch my breath and I felt like I was trying to navigate my life behind warped glass. Everything felt distorted. I feel like I’m finally finding my way out of this anxiety bubble. Things aren’t feeling so impossible anymore. So I’m here because at the moment writing this doesn’t feel just so hard.
I went to San Diego for work at the end of April. Spent my six year anniversary on the beach with my feet in the water and even though I ended up bright red, it’s one of my favorite anniversaries to date. I’m still working through my pictures of San Diego, I just simply haven’t had the desire to upload them and do some editing. But I’m slowly itching to start doing things like that again. With the bursts of nice weather I think about going out adventuring with my camera, which makes me happy.
I’ve started swimming laps this month as well. I have prescription goggles which are amazing inventions and I can’t tell you how good it is to see in the water, really see, not just seeing blurs and not knowing if it was a person or a marking on the side of the wall. Vahid is teaching me to freestyle swim and it’s difficult. Or rather coordinating myself is difficult, but I’m learning. I’ve never been a great swimmer. I would drown in the water but I was only ever a master of a hybrid doggy paddle and underwater swim that barely kept me afloat. I’m managing about 300 meters a session and slowly building up from there.
May always ends up being a big month of change for me. It could be the first signs of spring bring an unconscious want to change. It could be because it’s my birthday month and as such I find myself naturally reflecting back on the previous year and looking forward to the new one. Perhaps it’s nothing to do with anything and it simply takes me five months to start a change. No matter what it feels good to move again, to be hopeful again, and to know that I’m exactly where I should be in this moment.